Sylvia's World...

Oh no.. Ur wrong.. I hate it, hate it hate it hate it...

Anger fits to me is like....

Getting slapped for no reason

And getting shouted at to try and pacify me after his apology is rejected is like....

Getting dragged by the hair and bang into the wall when you ask the person why he slap u

My fault? "no!" He said and "everytime u admit it is ur fault, I get guilty because it is not your fault" he added..

If it is not my fault, why am I subjected to the above mentioned scenarios ALL THE TIME?

How?... How lah like that?

Humans in particular, women are survivors, since they are capable of changing their mindset totally to survive. My logical way of coping is that if this is your fault, yet u still continue doing it, shows that u do not reflect or remember, which shows that u think that ur not wrong, which shows that I shld be at fault.

But no leh, he's always telling me that it is not my fault...

Please excuse me while I turn into that green eye, red face monster powered by rage and jealousy...

YES! I'm extremely jealous of his cousin!... Every time I log into Facebook, I'll either see one cousin whining about OT, how life is unfair to her, how she's suffering from work and etc, while also coo-ing and coo-ing away about her blissful marriage, perfect life and etc... Seriously makes me roll my eyes every single time... SERIOUSLY? Life is unfair to U?...

Or the other cousin who goes partying at atas place every Friday nights, goes for expensive meal and holiday to places like Bali and NZ just like that when all these places are places that I have to self-comfort myself that I cannot go to these places because they are reserved for special occasion, like honeymoon, which by the way is some precious things that is only reserved for upper cast citizens... Low lifer like me, don't even think about it.

Or like, when another cousin lavishly throws not 1 but 2 buffet weddings at mandarin oriental but I was told by the higher management from his side that we should not hold our wedding like this?.. Seriously, take care of the kids in your clan, before trying to rule kids from other clan...

It is extremely against my belief to compare and whine like what I did in the above mentioned paras as I believe that you can never stop comparing and it is a never ending vicious cycle that drains your energy and leave u looking like a old witch..

So why did I let my rage overtake me and unleashed all that I observed over the years?

Simply because it is my instinct working... I'm extremely jealous of the above mentioned cousins not because of all the material gains or good life that they o taken for granted.

Jealously is due to the fact that I cannot understand why izzit that the women in his clan, more specific his generation in the clan can have a go at having blissful and happy relationship where they are reassured time and again, by their other halves automatically that their lower part of the life will be LOVINGLY taken care of , while the men in their clan goes around making women in other clans unhappy?

Fair?.. Not fair!... Why do I have to morph into xena the warrior not princess because I bloody don't deserve to be a princess to defend him like that while women in his clan don't need to?!?!?!

Due to cast system?.. My clan is lower? Thus we don't deserve equal treatment?... Because his clan is higher?.. So women and men alike expected to be treated better?

I'm extremely well manner in front of his clan and took all insults without arguing back not because I'm from a lower cast and has been taught so since young to fear the higher cast.

I did so because I have more noble character and to blemish my parents' reputation due to these insults are just simply not worth it.

Right, women in his clan also behave like that what!.. Wait till they went thru what I went thru... I can't wait to see what they will do...

U may argue that everybody have freedom of speech and if you don't like it, u can argue back.. If you don't, you simply don't see it as a pain point... Oh right right, I wish I have freedom of speech that is entitled to his clan (older generation included) and IS a forbidden fruit to us... Lower cast (older generation) included... Unfortunately, I don't have this right...

Or maybe (this is my lower cast self speaking out of self comfort) we are taught better manners? We don't go into princessly rage and conveniently ignore and make our future cousin in law feels uncomfortable at gatherings because we are genuinely nice people who cares about people's general happiness?

I no longer know if I'm smart because the above mentioned of his clan fits my lonut theory to a T or izzit that I'm stupid enough to not realize that actually I'm from a lower cast and this type of social behaviour is always there, but I'm thick enough in my head to not know it since the beginning...

In the meantime, now that my rage's left me and I'm back to being me, the low lifer, no longer the almighty monster, do let me hide my filthy self in my slum where I can at least reign as leader to my kids, softies and pooch, where there is not cast system and everybody is just genuinely concern about everybody's happiness...

That is the question that I get all the time now that half of the department knows that I've resigned....

Well.. What do u expect me to tell them?... It is very obvious that I'm not happy right?... So difficult to see meh?

Whenever anybody ask me this question, I would have the urge to ask them back this question.. "well, how do u expect somebody who has no lunch kaki, goes to lunch herself, has nobody to talk to during department lunch and gets boycotted by her own team mates just because she is a few years older than them to be happy?"

But because my zodiac forecast asked me to stay calm and watch what I say this year, I decides to let it pass by just smiling politely at them and tell them that I'm leaving to pursue my happily ever after...

Good bye 2011!

I dont think I will ever miss you...

Just like antibiotics that you need when you are sick, you need antibiotics to get well, but you definitely dont miss it, or even love it.

That is how I view 2011. It's a nasty year, left a nasty taste in the mouth, it's a year that I dont want to go through again. Yet, I chose to view it as a year necessary for me to grow up.

Loads happened in 2011 and I dont want to go into details, just as what people always like to tell me and I always dont like to listen to them, let bygones be bygones.

However, I am still thankfu to all the life lesson that 2011 has given me.

It taught me to

1) Love myself more - You use your money to buy people birthday present, when it is your birthday, you hope that the person will do the same. Love is abou the same. You spend that amount of love on other people during their birthday to make them feel loved and hoep that these people will return the favour and make you feel loved on your birthday too. But why do you have to give up your love and hope that you will be loved back? If the person truly love you, there is no need to hope for them to love you. You know they love you. The rest of the population who doesnt love you just simply dont deserve your love. Stop buying pressie for others and start loving yourself.

2) Ignore Others - There is no need to prove to these people that I am smart, capable or peaceful. Why? Because I do not get money out of proving myself to them. Will their accusation of me being stupid and bitchy kills me? No, it wouldnt, unless I let it affect me (which sadly, happened many times). Result of letting these fools affect me with their mindless content? Quicken aging, dull skin and not beautiful anymore. So why comproise my health and beauty for fools?

3) Love the parents.. UNCONDITIONALLY - I have said it many time, never done it before. At the end of 2011, I found peace with myself. For the first time in my life, I am no longer angry with mumzillan for giving too much to her relatives, or her relatives coming to show off all the tie. Mumzilla is mumzilla, those idiots are those idiots. They are not associated to mumzilla in anyway. End of story...

After some reflection, foolish me realised that 'whoever upstairs' did not let me go... Never!

2011 was hard and 'whoever upstairs' knew it, and sent Cottony to me. There is absolutely no reason why I would buy a dog suddently, after being afraid of dogs for my whole life.

This dog is the reason that I managed to get thru 2011 alive. Many times, during the multiple quarrels with the husband, Cotton will come to me with the "Are you alright?" look. I will get reminded that even if the whole world does notlove me, this little white dog here loves me and if i die, he will be very poor thing.. even if it is for a while, his heart will be broken.

I have always believe that Cotton is fated to appear in my life to be my pet at a point of my life, but "whoever upstairs" chose to send him down before the dark period of my life to accompany me.

I am really thankful for that. Cotton is a good dog who has done a good job in accompanying his owners, I beg "whoever upstairs" to let him lead a good ripe old age life and ides off peacefully in his sleep with no pain. By ripe old age, I mean 10 years and above okay?

Okay, in the year 2012, I wish to fulfil a few things and I am SERIOUS about fulfilling them...

1) Empower myself with more authority and not be treated as second class citizen and feel that it is alright anymore. For many years, I have gone with the flow of things and not question anything because I leave everything to life. However, I realised that to fully taste life, you have to take things into hand sometimes and not just go with the flow and accept life without even trying another alternative right? So I shall try and ask and question so that I am given full rights as equal as any other humans and If I am not given and reasons are provided, I wil treat it as the good or bad of life.

2) Be healthy and beautiful. I am serious about this. Perhaps the slimming down even more made me realised that there is a whole lot more stuff that I could do to myself to ensure that I stay healthy and beautiful instead of just relying on my own body to make things happen and maintain itself. Dont be lazy, be more hardworking.

3) Lead a happy life. As mentioned in the above two wishes, you know, to live for 26 years as a ugly second class citizen is no fun and I am definitely not happy. After trying to apply the above mentioned two goals for a while, I realised that I can actually be happy (of course this is inclusive of the changes that I have learnt in 2011) and I am really in a pretty happy state of mind now. I promise not to think too much because thinking will not prevent it and nothing will happen since iti s just thinking. As part of my to lead a happy life project, I am very very very determined to get my degree by this Oct too!

All in all, lets just say that I want to lead a carefree and beautiful life...

Lets work towards a carefree, beautiful and good 2012!

How many of you have heard of me mentioning about my mum in happy tone before?

Many times, when I mentioned about my mum, I am always complaining about her... scolding her... bad mouthing about her... and wondering what is exactly wrong with her...

How many of you know that I actually is a mummy's kid?....... I bet that nobody can could imagine that I'm a mummy's kid...

Did I ever tell you how fortunate I am that despite being born in a poor family, I live like a princess because my mum is willing to exchange everything that she has so that I can lead a better life?...

Did I ever tell you that she is the greatest mum that I can ever have... and I secretly wish that in the next life, I can still return as her pesky little kid and be loved by her like how she love me this life time?...

I used to stick to my mum so much that everybody around her mentioned that I have super glued myself to her.. and I will follow her everywhere she goes...

So, what exactly changed and what made me turn 180degree from somebody who sticked to her day and night to somebody who only knows how to complain about her, find trouble with her, quarral with her and scold her?

You want to know? I am not gonna tell... I promised I will press delete and delete all these bad memories and karma that should belonged to somebody else but was channelled onto her due to her selflessness....

My mum lead a bad life... In fact, if there is a gu cai first gen.. i bet she is that gu cai first gen... Never loved by anybody (except for my dad okay) in her first part of life... discriminated and isolated in the middle part of her life... and still gets discriminated and isolated plus getting bullied by her kids during the mid-later part of her life...

I have always seen myself as her protector, I must protect her from being bullied... I tried to be there for her... because nobody protect her for most of her life... so I try to... but I was so blinded by my act of protection that I hurt her.... really badly... most importantly... it hurt our relationship too...

Something happened to her this year... something really bad... she got hospitalised.. and it was my fault that she got hospitalised... I have never thot that I would see her in this way...

She felt into coma for two days.... and there are ten thousand needles plugged into her body... suddenly.... she look so small... the 'grandma' in my mind has always been a huge figure... and I realised that it is not because she is big... it is because the shadow that she casted over me to protect me is so huge that I have mistaken that as her...

The doctor came, and told me that her life is in danger... She might not be able to pull thru if we dont give her the scan and if we give her the scan, she might end up with permanent kidney failure... There was nobody there... and (in very small voice: old man went blank when i told him that his wife's life is in danger... for the first time in my life... old man's eyes was blank... cant see his processor moving at all)... I had to make a decision on what to do....

After the doctor is done telling me that my mum will either die or suffer kidney failure, I turn over and saw tears falling out of her eyes....

I studied her very intensively... I rubbed her hands for the first time in many years... and tell her 'it's okay... nothing bad will happen...' and I realised that she's REALLY aged alot.... I saw the HUGE brown patch across her nose bridge that I gave her as a hello gift when I was born.. and it drawn on me that I was nothing but trouble...

She had a difficult time while carrying me.... when I finally came out, although I proudly declared that I am born on a sunday, I destroyed her sunday... I gave her a HUGE brown patch on her nose bridge, effectively destroying her spotless face... I am a weak kid, I have tonsils the size of adult's tonsils and get fever when somebody just pat me on the back... threaten and force her to buy feathery fan from Chinatown everytime we go there, showed her doe eye look and emotionally threaten her to buy me all the latest toy in primary school and accused her of doting on somebody else more that me....

And now.... at the ripe old age of 26, I delivered the last blow by bringing her to buy that fatal bread which causes her to be hospitalised...

I have always tell TFB that parents can dedicate their whole life to their kids... but their kids can never dedicate their whole life to their parents up till the day they die... but I dedicate my life to creating trouble for her and I asked myself.... are you done? are you done with torturing her?... are you happy now?...

I called Eat Bread and she rushed down to the hospital.... she couldnt make the decision, so she called her elder brother.... while rushing to elsewhere, i told Eat Bread that if i ever make my mum angry again... she has all the rights in the world to slap me... and if i try to hit back.. she must remind me that I asked her to do so...

I reminded myself that when I see her doing things that I think will make her unhappy, I try to stop her from doing it, in the process of doing so, I quarral with her.. and I MADE her unappy.... if she ever want to do something, she must have done it willingly and happily but because of my own judgement, I assumed that she is unhappy and try to stop her and make her unhappy.... although truthfully speaking, I AM NOT the one who caused her misery... I became the one who caused her all the unhappiness... I stand by my new found belief that if she wants to do something, she can go ahead and do it... i will not stop her.. unless it will cause her injury or death... she has live to the ripe old age of 60.. she should know what she need to do, what to do and why she want to do it... I, have no right to interfere (except if it will cause death or injury)

If she is unhappy after that, I can luff at her..... and tell her not to do it in the future...

Of course of course, she recovered and is very well now except that she need to watch her diet as she has very mild diabetes... and I know those of you who know me very well will think that all these promises that i made will only last me for six months... but you know.... i am even determined to keep to my promises because I know very well that although she went thru these pain and etc.... and sustained mild diabetes... she felt that all these is worth it... if she can pull me back... and everything in the family is fine again...

She is willing to give up her life... subject her body to torture, so long as her family stay close....

If she is willing to do all these.. I think a little mental torture from her bunch of "i really dun like people" luffing at me secretly is fine... because there's always karma for everybody.. you can treat her as badly as you want.. her kids are not useless.... but her kids are more concern about her happiness... and you will be punished by karma, the harder you luff.. you more you will get...

I will not quarral with my mum ever again (minor bitchfitting doesnt count as quarraling, like if she throws toffee across the room, disturb cotton all the time and pester me non stop the whole day)... I will not quarral with her ever again... I will do what I can to fulfill what she wants me to fulfill for her with the rest of my years.... If she can dedicate that type of dedication to me... I believe I can too.....

原来丑小鸭从来都没有变成天鹅。。。她还是丑小鸭。。。一切都只是个梦。。。她没有白马王子，也没有会变成天鹅的一天。。。唯一不同的就是，丑小鸭等到老了，也已经不像以前那么开朗了。。。现在的她，喜欢用沉默来解决一切。。。

I cannot recall what happened that made me cry when you proposed to me... Is it the ring?... The love?.. Or the fact that that was the first time you put in so much effort to surprise me...

Neither do I want to remember what disappointments did I encounter that made the overwhelming feeling that I felt during the proposal disappeared within a year...

I am tired... and don’t want to go on anymore...

The bag that you owe me... it was being postponed to two years later, and two years later again... And all that I’ve told you is.. Nevermind it is okay... lets buy it two years later then...

The cookies and flower that you gave me... came three years too late. If I am still a 23 years old young girl, I would be over the moon to receive all that from you... Now that I am 26 and very jaded from all that you have done... The only thing that can please my numbed and broken hearts is big big bouquets of flowers, and I mean one big bouquet every time you make me angry... Branded bags and meals at expensive restaurants at places with good ambiences every single time you make me angry or during special occasions... And small nice things frequently to surprise me during normal days...

Can you afford it?... You cannot... That is why I need to find myself a rich husband...

You asked why do I say that I want to find a rich husband just to spike you? No, you are wrong... I am merely fulfilling the perception that you have forcefully imposed on me for all these years as a materialistic girl who would spend money like there’s no tomorrow, is not thrifty and is not sensible enough to know how to save money for my husband...

What’s wrong with it? Why are you in so much pain? You forcefully imposed that image on me... no matter how I explained or prove myself, you have already form that image of me like that... so I am merely following what you imagine me to be... so why are you feeling so painful now?... Shouldn’t you feel happy that I am finally listening to what you said and not fighting against you anymore and embraced what you wanted me to be finally?

Lets end this... You cannot afford to keep me as a wife as you imagined me to be... You refuse to let me backdown from that wife that you imagined me to be... and all these hurt that I am receiving is just too much...

I will need to be alone so that I can let my numbed and broken heart heal, or I will find another rich husband to heal it for me.. There is no way you can help me anymore...

This is the end of us.

Like I told him yesterday... I feel so bitter because from the beginning till now, there are always bad moments after bad moments and thanks to some unwelcome people, they together w him has not created a wedding experience uniquely mine, but created a bad wedding memory, that is uniquely targeted at me and all mine to taste the bad taste and suffer the unpleasant feelings....

Actually, there's only been 1 woman who has been sowing discord and constantly, deliberately giving lousy advice so that she will be able to prevent me from getting better things than she does including the amount of love my husband placed on me can never be more than the amount of love her husband gave her...

As a woman, u only wish that ur husband gives you the best that he can afford because that translate into how much you are actually worth in his heart...

He has never done anything to assure mr that I'm worth alot in his heart and definitely has not given me the best that he can afford to assure me either...

Which woman will dislike big diamonds?... Even if the world criticize that Katie holmes's diamond ring from Tom cruise is too big and not suitable, guess who is the happiest woman on earth staring at the big bling on her hand while the rest of the world has nothing to stare at and can only bitterly criticize that her diamond is too big for her?...

So tell me, when a woman tell her brother in law that diamond don't need to buy too big de because her so and so auntie's diamond is 0.7carat and is too big for her hand and looks ugly... Just buy 0.5 carat can liao.... If ur explanations is that u have a budget and that's the best u can afford, I am very happy that u valued me like that and gave me the most that u can afford... Not oh because my sis in law said that too big diamond is ugly and so I din get... Which really leaves a very bad aftertaste because I will wonder if ur proposing to her or to me since ur priority was not giving me ur very best but to listen to ur sis in law who btw, did not know me for very long...

My wedding dream, was imperfect because of a woman who is not my mum, my mil or his lover... It was single handedly destroyed by a bitch who couldnt stand to see his wife getting better stuff (irregardless of who his wife is).. So that she can comfort herself that she still has somebody worse off than her...

This woman is not even important to me than a piece of used tissue and yet she has the ability to make my wedding imperfect because he allows her to do so... Because he don't trust me....

Because I trust u as my husband, I put my life in ur hand, because you chose to trust somebody else rather than me, u let somebody of no importance screw me upside down and destroyed the memories of the most important event in my life....

Because I made a vow to u, I will never bluff you... Even if I do, it will always be for your own good... Because other people is not answerable for your life and u're not the most important person in their life, they can bluff u for all they want for their own benefits and not feel bad about it..

If u want to chose to trust somebody else rather than me, remember that I made a vow to care and make u happy for the whole of ur life... Not those other people who has unclear intentions...